1. Being with my kids. In any capacity. Being in the same space as them is the most healing thing in the world.
2. Singing out loud. Every day.
3. Exercising. I dread it every time and feel so great every time.
4. Meditating
5. Being with people I love
6. Drinking- alcoholic beverages (in case you're wondering).
7. Cleaning/ organizing
8. Affirmations
9. Inspirational Quotes
10. Laughing
11. Crying
12. Swimming
13. Being in nature
14. Dancing
15. Buddy
Friday, October 28, 2016
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Divorce is a Three Letter Word
S-A-D.
Divorce is all around and all I really knew is that it would never be something I was a part of.
Divorce. Is. Sad.
You guys, I had no friggin' idea. None. Not an ounce of an idea of what it entailed. This is coming from a woman who has had the most amicable divorce of anyone I know or have heard of.
And, I used to think that amicable meant you both decided to divorce. IT DOESN'T! See? I was so ignorant. It means that the actual divorce process was amicable, that we agreed on things and didn't fight. I don't think either one of us had it in us to fight. We never really fought and we weren't about to start. No. Amicable does not mean you both agree on divorce. I didn't want it. I had no say. No choice. It was decided for me.
That's the crazy thing about marriage. It takes two people to agree to get married, but only one person to decide to end it.
And it's sad. It's the saddest thing I have ever experienced. The sadness carries throughout the entire process too. The sadness stays in there even during other emotions.
Let me say what I always say. I know that this is not the worst thing. I know this. But it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. And, yes. I've had a very good life and continue to do so. I NEVER want to sound ungrateful or unaware of bigger problems to have. I have never lost sight of that. But as so many people have told me, this is my personal journey. I am realizing more and more how healing it is to share it for me and for others.
I never knew the emotions were so complex and messy. As I wrote in my previous post, it's just all over the place.
I know that there are many reasons for divorce and many ways that it comes to that point. For me it was a bomb that I had no idea was being dropped. For those of you who have experienced this kind of explosion, you know when the bomb goes off there are all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The very first feeling I had was a blood rush from my head to my toes. A surge. And then I couldn't speak or process what was happening. I heard my heart pounding in my ears and the first tear didn't drop for a couple of hours. It's pure shock. My body had never felt that before.
I refer to the next phase as the "bloody boxer" phase. I was ready to fight for my marriage, my life, my family. I honestly had no idea what was going on, had very few details and nothing made sense, but I was in immediate warrior mode. Anytime I learned something new or had a new discovery, it was a major blow.
Every. Damn. Time.
But I would get back up and adjust my metaphorical gloves and take a deep breath and be ready to fight again.
Through therapy I learned that what I experienced was what is called a "slow leak of disclosure". It wasn't all the truths at once.There were still cover stories and non truths. It took 10 months to come out. 10 months of me processing one thing then learning something new and having to adjust and process the new version of the truth. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a boxer getting hit, staying down for a moment and finding her footing and balance just to get hit again. It was a crazy ride. And I was bloodied and emotionally beat up and EXHAUSTED.
After 10 months, I, the bloody boxer, hung up my gloves. But I fought the whole time. I realize I was in the fight alone, but I don't have a single regret. I was all in. This was my most prized life and I gave it every single ounce of me. And I'd do it all again.
Within those 10 months I cannot even describe the pain of purgatory. I honestly think there are no words in the English language that could possibly describe it. It felt like I was in an ocean wave, being tossed around. I didn't know what was up and what was down and I couldn't anchor myself. I couldn't stop the tumbling. But I'll say this. If you are in purgatory, call me. I know. And it helps to have someone who knows. So much happens, so much is felt in this time. I was stronger and braver and more courageous during that time than any other time in my life.
I remember thinking I just wanted to get through a full year. At the year mark you have gone through all the "firsts." Birthdays, holidays, vacations...etc. But, it's not that clean. It's not that easy. And getting through those firsts are brutal and you don't know how you'll be.
My first real experience with this was Thanksgiving. It was the first time I wouldn't have the kids all day. I would get them at 4:00. My sister-in-law invited me to come a bit early to have a glass of wine and see everyone. I thought it was a great idea! Until I found myself in the laundry room trying to hide while I sobbed. Like, couldn't stop crying kind of sobbing. I was caught in there and found myself surrounded with hugs and kisses and words of support. But I was mortified and humiliated.
I felt weak. I felt pathetic.
Weak and pathetic were feelings I felt often, anytime I lost it. I had identified myself as a strong, independent woman. Having no control of your tears doesn't feel that strong.
But it is. It's the strongest you can do to be fully connected to yourself in that way. Feel the feelings when you have the feelings. I know this. I no longer use those words to describe myself. They aren't accurate. They never were
Last March I was talking to my therapist, Claire. I was upset and asked her if she thought I was progressing at all. She looked shocked and asked why I would ask that. I said, "Because it's been a year and I still feel so much. I've done all the firsts. I've survived them all and I don't feel better." She assured me that nothing magically gets taken away at the year mark. You just have more experience behind you. Huh! Novel thought, Claire! She was so right.
I think the biggest shock is that not only do I grieve and process the past, but I am grieving and processing the present as well. I did not consider this aspect of healing. I did not think about the fact that there are so many hurdles to jump over.
It's not easy when the kids aren't home. No parent wants their child part time. It's not natural and I will never like it. I am learning how to cope and trying to figure out how not to LOATHE my days/nights without them.
It's not easy seeing your old partner with a new partner.
It's not easy when your kids meet the new partner.
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
There are so many things that just aren't easy.
But I keep getting up. I don't feel beaten like the bloodied boxer I once was. I sometimes want a break from it all. And I get them more often all the time. Breaks come with acceptance.
I am accepting more. I am accepting much of what has happened and trying to accept the hurdles that are in the present and still ahead of me (some of which I am not even aware of).
I'm breathing. I'm strong. I'm loved and supported. What else does a girl need?
Onward. Forward. Upward.
Divorce is all around and all I really knew is that it would never be something I was a part of.
Divorce. Is. Sad.
You guys, I had no friggin' idea. None. Not an ounce of an idea of what it entailed. This is coming from a woman who has had the most amicable divorce of anyone I know or have heard of.
And, I used to think that amicable meant you both decided to divorce. IT DOESN'T! See? I was so ignorant. It means that the actual divorce process was amicable, that we agreed on things and didn't fight. I don't think either one of us had it in us to fight. We never really fought and we weren't about to start. No. Amicable does not mean you both agree on divorce. I didn't want it. I had no say. No choice. It was decided for me.
That's the crazy thing about marriage. It takes two people to agree to get married, but only one person to decide to end it.
And it's sad. It's the saddest thing I have ever experienced. The sadness carries throughout the entire process too. The sadness stays in there even during other emotions.
Let me say what I always say. I know that this is not the worst thing. I know this. But it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. And, yes. I've had a very good life and continue to do so. I NEVER want to sound ungrateful or unaware of bigger problems to have. I have never lost sight of that. But as so many people have told me, this is my personal journey. I am realizing more and more how healing it is to share it for me and for others.
I never knew the emotions were so complex and messy. As I wrote in my previous post, it's just all over the place.
I know that there are many reasons for divorce and many ways that it comes to that point. For me it was a bomb that I had no idea was being dropped. For those of you who have experienced this kind of explosion, you know when the bomb goes off there are all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The very first feeling I had was a blood rush from my head to my toes. A surge. And then I couldn't speak or process what was happening. I heard my heart pounding in my ears and the first tear didn't drop for a couple of hours. It's pure shock. My body had never felt that before.
I refer to the next phase as the "bloody boxer" phase. I was ready to fight for my marriage, my life, my family. I honestly had no idea what was going on, had very few details and nothing made sense, but I was in immediate warrior mode. Anytime I learned something new or had a new discovery, it was a major blow.
Every. Damn. Time.
But I would get back up and adjust my metaphorical gloves and take a deep breath and be ready to fight again.
Through therapy I learned that what I experienced was what is called a "slow leak of disclosure". It wasn't all the truths at once.There were still cover stories and non truths. It took 10 months to come out. 10 months of me processing one thing then learning something new and having to adjust and process the new version of the truth. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a boxer getting hit, staying down for a moment and finding her footing and balance just to get hit again. It was a crazy ride. And I was bloodied and emotionally beat up and EXHAUSTED.
After 10 months, I, the bloody boxer, hung up my gloves. But I fought the whole time. I realize I was in the fight alone, but I don't have a single regret. I was all in. This was my most prized life and I gave it every single ounce of me. And I'd do it all again.
Within those 10 months I cannot even describe the pain of purgatory. I honestly think there are no words in the English language that could possibly describe it. It felt like I was in an ocean wave, being tossed around. I didn't know what was up and what was down and I couldn't anchor myself. I couldn't stop the tumbling. But I'll say this. If you are in purgatory, call me. I know. And it helps to have someone who knows. So much happens, so much is felt in this time. I was stronger and braver and more courageous during that time than any other time in my life.
I remember thinking I just wanted to get through a full year. At the year mark you have gone through all the "firsts." Birthdays, holidays, vacations...etc. But, it's not that clean. It's not that easy. And getting through those firsts are brutal and you don't know how you'll be.
My first real experience with this was Thanksgiving. It was the first time I wouldn't have the kids all day. I would get them at 4:00. My sister-in-law invited me to come a bit early to have a glass of wine and see everyone. I thought it was a great idea! Until I found myself in the laundry room trying to hide while I sobbed. Like, couldn't stop crying kind of sobbing. I was caught in there and found myself surrounded with hugs and kisses and words of support. But I was mortified and humiliated.
I felt weak. I felt pathetic.
Weak and pathetic were feelings I felt often, anytime I lost it. I had identified myself as a strong, independent woman. Having no control of your tears doesn't feel that strong.
But it is. It's the strongest you can do to be fully connected to yourself in that way. Feel the feelings when you have the feelings. I know this. I no longer use those words to describe myself. They aren't accurate. They never were
Last March I was talking to my therapist, Claire. I was upset and asked her if she thought I was progressing at all. She looked shocked and asked why I would ask that. I said, "Because it's been a year and I still feel so much. I've done all the firsts. I've survived them all and I don't feel better." She assured me that nothing magically gets taken away at the year mark. You just have more experience behind you. Huh! Novel thought, Claire! She was so right.
I think the biggest shock is that not only do I grieve and process the past, but I am grieving and processing the present as well. I did not consider this aspect of healing. I did not think about the fact that there are so many hurdles to jump over.
It's not easy when the kids aren't home. No parent wants their child part time. It's not natural and I will never like it. I am learning how to cope and trying to figure out how not to LOATHE my days/nights without them.
It's not easy seeing your old partner with a new partner.
It's not easy when your kids meet the new partner.
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
There are so many things that just aren't easy.
But I keep getting up. I don't feel beaten like the bloodied boxer I once was. I sometimes want a break from it all. And I get them more often all the time. Breaks come with acceptance.
I am accepting more. I am accepting much of what has happened and trying to accept the hurdles that are in the present and still ahead of me (some of which I am not even aware of).
I'm breathing. I'm strong. I'm loved and supported. What else does a girl need?
Onward. Forward. Upward.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Healing is Not Linear
Healing (mourning, grieving) is not linear. I didn't know that what I was experiencing was grief. I thought that grief only came with death. And then it was pointed out to me that any loss is a death. I have been grieving the loss of my partner, my old life, my family unit, my dreams, my love, my innocence, my old self. I have also been experiencing grief for my kids and their life as children of divorce.
*Side note- It took me 10 months to even say the word "divorce" and another 6 months after that to say it without crying. If you are somewhere in this phase, I promise you it gets better. I still can't really say "ex husband" so I usually don't.
The stages of grief on the left of the diagram (courtesy of Google Images) look linear. Not that the line is 180 degrees, but that you move through these things and come out the other side. THIS HAS NOT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE! I don't even know what some of those things are! "Re- Entry" troubles? Huh?
And some of those stages have not left my body. Part of me is still in shock and numb. I have been helping others through the entire process and according to this, it happens at the end.. New relationships? Yes! Mostly with people I had relationships with already, but as you know, when something huge happens in your life, relationships change into new ones.
The picture on the right is way more accurate. But even more accurate, for me, is the diagram below. I have tried to explain this many times because my healing (I prefer to call it healing over grieving) has been circular, cyclical. Some people have referred to healing as happening in waves. I get that too. But for me, a circle is more accurate.
The cycle entails highs, lows, and in betweens. Very sophisticated thinking, I know. I should write a thesis on those ground breaking terms.
When you're low, it's the same low you've had. It's the sadness and tears and self doubt and anger and fear and resentment and hurt and shock and loneliness and anxiety and insecurity and gratitude (Yes, gratitude has never left me, even in this part of the cycle).
The "Will this feeling every go away? When will I be done with this part? It feels like I haven't moved forward at all!" part.
When you're high, it's the acceptance and self love and hope and faith and clarity and empowerment and self assuredness and strength and courage and bravery and the building of new dreams and gratitude.
The "I can do anything. No one can stop me! I am the owner of my life! I am empowered!" part.
Then there's the in between, no extreme feelings, but getting through moments and days and weeks with calmness and peace and genuine contentment and gratitude.
The "I'm doing fine. I got this handled. I am going to be just fine. This is all part of life and I'm doing this." part.
At first these feelings can cycle through several times even in a day. Picture it as a small circle where the cycle of emotions happen soon, one after the other. As time goes on, the feelings don't go away, but my experience has been that the circle gets bigger and bigger.
Instead of crying several times a day, I would cry once a day and then go a full day or two without crying, etc.
I MUST say this about healing. The lows are STILL THE SAME LOWS. Well, not totally. In the very beginning, the first month, I was so leveled. Once I found myself crying on the shower floor. For a month, I would get up from bed every night in the late hours and vomit. How cliche is that? But it happened. It was real. But after that month, I felt less numb and shocked and disassociated and the cycle really began.
You see how the circles get bigger and bigger in the diagram? It means that I continually spend more time in the in between and high times than I do the lows. In the beginning the lows are so much of the cycle but that changes. Soon, the low will hit but it doesn't last as long. While you're there it's the same pain and fear and sadness and hopelessness...yada yada yada. It's extremely frustrating. Every time I am there I am hard on myself and think, " Geez Jen! I thought you were done with this! I thought you knew better. I thought you were passed this!"
But as I write this in an in between place, I know that this is all natural. That I HATE my lows, but know I grow from them and I know they won't be gone any time soon. And the lows often come from what is happening in the present. All the things that come AFTER the end of the marriage. Wow, is it involved! But they've become less and less frequent and for that, I am grateful.
But here is where the healing happens- every time I come up from a low, I am different. I am stronger. I have learned something. I have a new resolve. And the highs last longer and my next low will be even shorter.
And THAT has been the definition of healing for me. THAT has been the journey I have been experiencing.
The cycle used to be a small circle, repeating itself many times in a day, a week, a month. Now the circle is much bigger. My highs are higher and take up more of the circle. My in betweens are a lot of my circle and the lows are a small fraction of the circle.
The evolution and the growth of the cycle takes time. Nothing can rush it. I have come so far and have so far to go.
No matter what phase of the cycle I am in, I am incredibly blessed to have my village with me. I never imagined I could have so many amazing people in my life. At any time they will cry with me, laugh with me, scream with me, love with me. There will be a future post about my village.
There is a lot in this entry. My biggest points are:
I am moving. I am growing. I am progressing. I am healing.
Onward. Forward. Upward.
*Side note- It took me 10 months to even say the word "divorce" and another 6 months after that to say it without crying. If you are somewhere in this phase, I promise you it gets better. I still can't really say "ex husband" so I usually don't.
The stages of grief on the left of the diagram (courtesy of Google Images) look linear. Not that the line is 180 degrees, but that you move through these things and come out the other side. THIS HAS NOT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE! I don't even know what some of those things are! "Re- Entry" troubles? Huh?
And some of those stages have not left my body. Part of me is still in shock and numb. I have been helping others through the entire process and according to this, it happens at the end.. New relationships? Yes! Mostly with people I had relationships with already, but as you know, when something huge happens in your life, relationships change into new ones.
The picture on the right is way more accurate. But even more accurate, for me, is the diagram below. I have tried to explain this many times because my healing (I prefer to call it healing over grieving) has been circular, cyclical. Some people have referred to healing as happening in waves. I get that too. But for me, a circle is more accurate.
The cycle entails highs, lows, and in betweens. Very sophisticated thinking, I know. I should write a thesis on those ground breaking terms.
When you're low, it's the same low you've had. It's the sadness and tears and self doubt and anger and fear and resentment and hurt and shock and loneliness and anxiety and insecurity and gratitude (Yes, gratitude has never left me, even in this part of the cycle).
The "Will this feeling every go away? When will I be done with this part? It feels like I haven't moved forward at all!" part.
When you're high, it's the acceptance and self love and hope and faith and clarity and empowerment and self assuredness and strength and courage and bravery and the building of new dreams and gratitude.
The "I can do anything. No one can stop me! I am the owner of my life! I am empowered!" part.
Then there's the in between, no extreme feelings, but getting through moments and days and weeks with calmness and peace and genuine contentment and gratitude.
The "I'm doing fine. I got this handled. I am going to be just fine. This is all part of life and I'm doing this." part.
At first these feelings can cycle through several times even in a day. Picture it as a small circle where the cycle of emotions happen soon, one after the other. As time goes on, the feelings don't go away, but my experience has been that the circle gets bigger and bigger.
Instead of crying several times a day, I would cry once a day and then go a full day or two without crying, etc.
I MUST say this about healing. The lows are STILL THE SAME LOWS. Well, not totally. In the very beginning, the first month, I was so leveled. Once I found myself crying on the shower floor. For a month, I would get up from bed every night in the late hours and vomit. How cliche is that? But it happened. It was real. But after that month, I felt less numb and shocked and disassociated and the cycle really began.
You see how the circles get bigger and bigger in the diagram? It means that I continually spend more time in the in between and high times than I do the lows. In the beginning the lows are so much of the cycle but that changes. Soon, the low will hit but it doesn't last as long. While you're there it's the same pain and fear and sadness and hopelessness...yada yada yada. It's extremely frustrating. Every time I am there I am hard on myself and think, " Geez Jen! I thought you were done with this! I thought you knew better. I thought you were passed this!"
But as I write this in an in between place, I know that this is all natural. That I HATE my lows, but know I grow from them and I know they won't be gone any time soon. And the lows often come from what is happening in the present. All the things that come AFTER the end of the marriage. Wow, is it involved! But they've become less and less frequent and for that, I am grateful.
But here is where the healing happens- every time I come up from a low, I am different. I am stronger. I have learned something. I have a new resolve. And the highs last longer and my next low will be even shorter.
And THAT has been the definition of healing for me. THAT has been the journey I have been experiencing.
The cycle used to be a small circle, repeating itself many times in a day, a week, a month. Now the circle is much bigger. My highs are higher and take up more of the circle. My in betweens are a lot of my circle and the lows are a small fraction of the circle.
The evolution and the growth of the cycle takes time. Nothing can rush it. I have come so far and have so far to go.
No matter what phase of the cycle I am in, I am incredibly blessed to have my village with me. I never imagined I could have so many amazing people in my life. At any time they will cry with me, laugh with me, scream with me, love with me. There will be a future post about my village.
There is a lot in this entry. My biggest points are:
- I find healing /grieving to be circular not linear.
- Don't get frustrated when your lows feel like you aren't progressing. Because the same emotions are in the lows when new emotions are in the in betweens and highs.
I am moving. I am growing. I am progressing. I am healing.
Onward. Forward. Upward.
Friday, October 7, 2016
All I Am, and All I Am Not
I used to think I had life figured out. Honestly. Not that I had every answer to every question, or knew how to parent. But I believed attitude is everything. I still have this belief, but until a year and a half ago, I had never been put to the test.
My life had been charmed, easy, happy. The biggest issue I had ever dealt with was my brother, who is an addict. Don't get me wrong. There is much pain and sadness in my soul about my brother.
In my adult life, any time I got worked up or upset or involved in an issue, I would always be able to calm myself by saying, "As long as it does not affect my little family unit of 4, I can handle it. I need to let it go."
And then I got a divorce.
My family unit of four, my world, was no longer what it once was. In a single moment, my entire life fell out from under me and the future, along with all of my dreams, were gone- pitch black.
I have always lent my ear as a friend. My friends have called me their , "Oprah" even though I've given away none of my favorite things. haha. Through this phase of life I have found several support systems of people healing in some way from some shift or loss. It has been incredibly powerful. INCREDIBLY.
I remember a beautiful story Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) shared at a weekend experience I went to years ago. She spoke of a woman who had 5 children in Ireland. Her husband left the family and never came back. She lived for her children. She took on single parenthood and struggled with all of its challenges. But every single day she put $1 away for herself- not to be touched for anything else. When her children were grown she had saved enough to travel the world. Her children were shocked. They had no idea she had her own dreams or wishes. They simply saw her as their mom.
So, this blog will be a different type of gift to my children than our family blog. My kids see me as their mom, but this will let them see me as the woman I am in the world. I am intentional about letting my kids see me as more than just their mom.
I am want them to see all that I am. And all that I am not.
My life had been charmed, easy, happy. The biggest issue I had ever dealt with was my brother, who is an addict. Don't get me wrong. There is much pain and sadness in my soul about my brother.
In my adult life, any time I got worked up or upset or involved in an issue, I would always be able to calm myself by saying, "As long as it does not affect my little family unit of 4, I can handle it. I need to let it go."
And then I got a divorce.
My family unit of four, my world, was no longer what it once was. In a single moment, my entire life fell out from under me and the future, along with all of my dreams, were gone- pitch black.
I have always lent my ear as a friend. My friends have called me their , "Oprah" even though I've given away none of my favorite things. haha. Through this phase of life I have found several support systems of people healing in some way from some shift or loss. It has been incredibly powerful. INCREDIBLY.
I remember a beautiful story Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) shared at a weekend experience I went to years ago. She spoke of a woman who had 5 children in Ireland. Her husband left the family and never came back. She lived for her children. She took on single parenthood and struggled with all of its challenges. But every single day she put $1 away for herself- not to be touched for anything else. When her children were grown she had saved enough to travel the world. Her children were shocked. They had no idea she had her own dreams or wishes. They simply saw her as their mom.
So, this blog will be a different type of gift to my children than our family blog. My kids see me as their mom, but this will let them see me as the woman I am in the world. I am intentional about letting my kids see me as more than just their mom.
I am want them to see all that I am. And all that I am not.
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