Healing is Not Linear

Healing (mourning, grieving) is not linear. I didn't know that what I was experiencing was grief. I thought that grief only came with death. And then it was pointed out to me that any loss is a death. I have been grieving the loss of my partner, my old life, my family unit, my dreams, my love, my innocence, my old self. I have also been experiencing grief for my kids and their life as children of divorce.

*Side note- It took me 10 months to even say the word "divorce" and another 6 months after that to say it without crying. If you are somewhere in this phase, I promise you it gets better. I still can't really say "ex husband" so I usually don't. 



The stages of grief on the left of the diagram (courtesy of Google Images) look linear. Not that the line is 180 degrees, but that you move through these things and come out the other side. THIS HAS NOT BEEN MY EXPERIENCE! I don't even know what some of those things are! "Re- Entry" troubles? Huh?

And some of those stages have not left my body. Part of me is still in shock and numb. I have been helping others through the entire process and according to this, it happens at the end.. New relationships? Yes! Mostly with people I had relationships with already, but as you know, when something huge happens in your life, relationships change into new ones.

 The picture on the right is way more accurate. But even more accurate, for me, is the diagram below. I have tried to explain this many times because my healing (I prefer to call it healing over grieving) has been circular, cyclical. Some people have referred to healing as happening in waves. I get that too. But for me, a circle is more accurate.







The cycle entails highs, lows, and in betweens. Very sophisticated thinking, I know. I should write a thesis on those ground breaking terms.

When you're low, it's the same low you've had. It's the sadness and tears and self doubt and anger and fear and resentment and hurt and shock and loneliness and anxiety and insecurity and gratitude (Yes, gratitude has never left me, even in this part of the cycle).
The "Will this feeling every go away? When will I be done with this part? It feels like I haven't moved forward at all!" part.

When you're high, it's the acceptance and self love and hope and faith and clarity and empowerment and self assuredness and strength and courage and bravery and the building of new dreams and gratitude.
The "I can do anything. No one can stop me! I am the owner of my life! I am empowered!" part.

Then there's the in between, no extreme feelings, but getting through moments and days and weeks with calmness and peace and genuine contentment and gratitude.
The "I'm doing fine. I got this handled. I am going to be just fine. This is all part of life and I'm doing this." part.

At first these feelings can cycle through several times even in a day. Picture it as a small circle where the cycle of emotions happen soon, one after the other. As time goes on, the feelings don't go away, but my experience has been that the circle gets bigger and bigger.
Instead of crying several times a day, I would cry once a day and then go a full day or two without crying, etc.

I MUST say this about healing. The lows are STILL THE SAME LOWS. Well, not totally. In the very beginning, the first month,  I was so leveled. Once I found myself crying on the shower floor. For a month, I would get up from bed every night in the late hours and vomit. How cliche is that? But it happened. It was real. But after that month, I felt less numb and shocked and disassociated and the cycle really began.

You see how the circles get bigger and bigger in the diagram? It means that I continually spend more time in the in between and high times than I do the lows. In the beginning the lows are so much of the cycle but that changes. Soon, the low will hit but it doesn't last as long. While you're there it's the same pain and fear and sadness and hopelessness...yada yada yada. It's extremely frustrating. Every time I am there I am hard on myself and think, " Geez Jen! I thought you were done with this! I thought you knew better. I thought you were passed this!"
But as I write this in an in between place, I know that this is all natural. That I HATE my lows, but know I grow from them and I know they won't be gone any time soon. And the lows often come from what is happening in the present. All the things that come AFTER the end of the marriage. Wow, is it involved! But they've become less and less frequent and for that, I am grateful.

But here is where the healing happens- every time I come up from a low, I am different. I am stronger. I have learned something. I have a new resolve. And the highs last longer and my next low will be even shorter.

And THAT has been the definition of healing for me. THAT has been the journey I have been experiencing. 


The cycle used to be a small circle, repeating itself many times in a day, a week, a month. Now the circle is much bigger. My highs are higher and take up more of the circle. My in betweens are a lot of my circle and the lows are a small fraction of the circle.

The evolution and the growth of the cycle takes time. Nothing can rush it. I have come so far and have so far to go.

No matter what phase of the cycle I am in, I am incredibly blessed to have my village with me. I never imagined I could have so many amazing people in my life. At any time they will cry with me, laugh with me, scream with me, love with me. There will be a future post about my village.

There is a lot in this entry. My biggest points are:

• I find healing /grieving to be circular not linear.
• Don't get frustrated when your lows feel like you aren't progressing. Because the same emotions are in the lows when new emotions are in the in betweens and highs. 

You are moving. You are growing. You are progressing. You are healing.

I am moving. I am growing. I am progressing. I am healing.

Onward. Forward. Upward.