S-A-D.
Divorce is all around and all I really knew is that it would never be something I was a part of.
Divorce. Is. Sad.
You guys, I had no friggin' idea. None. Not an ounce of an idea of what it entailed. This is coming from a woman who has had the most amicable divorce of anyone I know or have heard of.
And, I used to think that amicable meant you both decided to divorce. IT DOESN'T! See? I was so ignorant. It means that the actual divorce process was amicable, that we agreed on things and didn't fight. I don't think either one of us had it in us to fight. We never really fought and we weren't about to start. No. Amicable does not mean you both agree on divorce. I didn't want it. I had no say. No choice. It was decided for me.
That's the crazy thing about marriage. It takes two people to agree to get married, but only one person to decide to end it.
And it's sad. It's the saddest thing I have ever experienced. The sadness carries throughout the entire process too. The sadness stays in there even during other emotions.
Let me say what I always say. I know that this is not the worst thing. I know this. But it is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. And, yes. I've had a very good life and continue to do so. I NEVER want to sound ungrateful or unaware of bigger problems to have. I have never lost sight of that. But as so many people have told me, this is my personal journey. I am realizing more and more how healing it is to share it for me and for others.
I never knew the emotions were so complex and messy. As I wrote in my previous post, it's just all over the place.
I know that there are many reasons for divorce and many ways that it comes to that point. For me it was a bomb that I had no idea was being dropped. For those of you who have experienced this kind of explosion, you know when the bomb goes off there are all sorts of emotions and thoughts. The very first feeling I had was a blood rush from my head to my toes. A surge. And then I couldn't speak or process what was happening. I heard my heart pounding in my ears and the first tear didn't drop for a couple of hours. It's pure shock. My body had never felt that before.
I refer to the next phase as the "bloody boxer" phase. I was ready to fight for my marriage, my life, my family. I honestly had no idea what was going on, had very few details and nothing made sense, but I was in immediate warrior mode. Anytime I learned something new or had a new discovery, it was a major blow.
Every. Damn. Time.
But I would get back up and adjust my metaphorical gloves and take a deep breath and be ready to fight again.
Through therapy I learned that what I experienced was what is called a "slow leak of disclosure". It wasn't all the truths at once.There were still cover stories and non truths. It took 10 months to come out. 10 months of me processing one thing then learning something new and having to adjust and process the new version of the truth. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Like a boxer getting hit, staying down for a moment and finding her footing and balance just to get hit again. It was a crazy ride. And I was bloodied and emotionally beat up and EXHAUSTED.
After 10 months, I, the bloody boxer, hung up my gloves. But I fought the whole time. I realize I was in the fight alone, but I don't have a single regret. I was all in. This was my most prized life and I gave it every single ounce of me. And I'd do it all again.
Within those 10 months I cannot even describe the pain of purgatory. I honestly think there are no words in the English language that could possibly describe it. It felt like I was in an ocean wave, being tossed around. I didn't know what was up and what was down and I couldn't anchor myself. I couldn't stop the tumbling. But I'll say this. If you are in purgatory, call me. I know. And it helps to have someone who knows. So much happens, so much is felt in this time. I was stronger and braver and more courageous during that time than any other time in my life.
I remember thinking I just wanted to get through a full year. At the year mark you have gone through all the "firsts." Birthdays, holidays, vacations...etc. But, it's not that clean. It's not that easy. And getting through those firsts are brutal and you don't know how you'll be.
My first real experience with this was Thanksgiving. It was the first time I wouldn't have the kids all day. I would get them at 4:00. My sister-in-law invited me to come a bit early to have a glass of wine and see everyone. I thought it was a great idea! Until I found myself in the laundry room trying to hide while I sobbed. Like, couldn't stop crying kind of sobbing. I was caught in there and found myself surrounded with hugs and kisses and words of support. But I was mortified and humiliated.
I felt weak. I felt pathetic.
Weak and pathetic were feelings I felt often, anytime I lost it. I had identified myself as a strong, independent woman. Having no control of your tears doesn't feel that strong.
But it is. It's the strongest you can do to be fully connected to yourself in that way. Feel the feelings when you have the feelings. I know this. I no longer use those words to describe myself. They aren't accurate. They never were
Last March I was talking to my therapist, Claire. I was upset and asked her if she thought I was progressing at all. She looked shocked and asked why I would ask that. I said, "Because it's been a year and I still feel so much. I've done all the firsts. I've survived them all and I don't feel better." She assured me that nothing magically gets taken away at the year mark. You just have more experience behind you. Huh! Novel thought, Claire! She was so right.
I think the biggest shock is that not only do I grieve and process the past, but I am grieving and processing the present as well. I did not consider this aspect of healing. I did not think about the fact that there are so many hurdles to jump over.
It's not easy when the kids aren't home. No parent wants their child part time. It's not natural and I will never like it. I am learning how to cope and trying to figure out how not to LOATHE my days/nights without them.
It's not easy seeing your old partner with a new partner.
It's not easy when your kids meet the new partner.
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
It's not easy when...
There are so many things that just aren't easy.
But I keep getting up. I don't feel beaten like the bloodied boxer I once was. I sometimes want a break from it all. And I get them more often all the time. Breaks come with acceptance.
I am accepting more. I am accepting much of what has happened and trying to accept the hurdles that are in the present and still ahead of me (some of which I am not even aware of).
I'm breathing. I'm strong. I'm loved and supported. What else does a girl need?
Onward. Forward. Upward.
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